Tonight I am listening to my girls. The Indigo Girls, Alison Krauss, and Carole King. Their music is healing to me. Listening to melodies immediatley relaxes me. Their lyrics can make me cry. My entire sophmore year of college seems to be dominated by memories of one particular Alison Krauss album.
Good stuff. This whole album is great. Depressing, but great. Almost every song is about lost love. Don't get me wrong, love hasn't done me wrong in a long time, it's the very familiar feelings of disappointment, regret, and inadequacy that I identify with lately. Someone commented today that they were suprised by how outgoing I was. The truth is that I was extremely nervous and my nerves usually translate into increased language speed and laughter. Apparently that's pretty charming, which was nice to hear. I've been so critical of myself lately. Nothing is off limits. I catalouge all of my faults in comparison to what or, more importantly , who I feel I should be. From skinny friends to very expirenced co-workers. Then I feel guilty for focusing too much on myself and think about all the pain in the world that is greater than mine. I want to feel better, to help other people. I want to feel like I can take a seat with the grown-ups and not be stuck at the kids table. How do I do that? I don't know how to take more control over my own life. I'm just stuck.
1 comments:
I think sometimes in life we go mundane segments, that only allow us to look at others and say, "I wish I could be like them, they have such great qualities". It is in theses ruts that life is the biggest struggle, because nothing about us seems to be good enough compared to other people. However, with that being said, I personally think these strides in life are only temporary (if we let them be). Moods and feelings like these come and they go and it is always nicer to wave goodbye to them as they are rearing their ugliness.
How do we let these struggles go and move on? That answer I don't know. From my experiences, I find that these experiences need to be gone through. They help us to partially find who we are; because we come to the point where no matter how good everything and every else is around us it is up to us to finally say, "Alright, I can't do this anymore it's time to pull my head out."
As cheesy as this sounds if you have a scab, and you keep picking at it two things will happen. 1) The wound will never heal or 2) You will have a scar that is there for life. I think the same principle applies to our emotional health. If we don't let things go and stop picking at ourselves we are never going to heal.
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