Huff and Puff and Stuff

So, I was sitting in church yesterday and our congregation never ceases to amaze me. I decided to w take notes on things that I observed during the last twenty minutes of sacrament meeting. Baby Lump and Trine were pacing the halls.

1. One speaker stated that if we teach our children to serve than they will become more "inwardly focused"...Interesting, I thought the goal of service was to help others, not to become selfish. It must have been a mistake, but I was amused.
2. A teenager in the front row licked his whole arm; from his shoulder to his fingertips in one motion...I wonder how that tasted considering he was picking stuff off the floor just prior to this long taste test.
3. The hymns are meant to be sung loudly, even if you don't know the words. Apparently, if you don't know the words the word "something" can be used for every word you forgot.
4. The crying baby chorus starts up at about 15 minutes to the hour, and continues until the meeting lets out (15 minutes late).
5. Long, boring talks consists of lots of reading, no looking up, and no dialog to relate to anyone.
6. How come the Bishopric always looks bored? Just a question.
7. I had an epiphany about a little girl in the ward, she always kind of gave me the creeps. I figured out why...She looks like Mr. Jingles from Stephen King's It.
8. The second speaker said, "If we keep the commandments we will become a power house of energy." Power house huh?...Someone must really be into the Olympic Spirit. I am too, we are trying to decide what to push Baby Lump into so we can bask in his olympic glory. Bob Costa has taught us that this glory is only achieved through gold medals...silver is just not that good. 
9. You know in the hymn book, each song says how to sing it (i.e., with power, cheerfully, or energetically). Well, in our ward to sing cheerfully means to sound like a funeral march.
10. Why is it that baby girls have to have HUGE bows/flowers on their heads? They look like extra appendages. They look like girls if they have on a dress...Unless, of course, the parents are starting cross-dressing at a very young age, and if that's the case I have never seen a drag queen with a Huge flower headband.
11. If you need a hymn book, it is easier to reach across the pew ahead of you and take it. Don't mind the people sitting in the pew...No joke this really happened to my pew. I did not quite know how to react to the lady taking my hymn book.
12. During the closing prayer, all the babies in the audience start "cooing" about the same time. This cooing sounds a lot like speaking in tongues.